I am alone, but I am not lonely. These are scary words to say. Here is the truth. I woke up in India, on a houseboat, on a canal, in Aleppey, alone. I travel alone and find the most comfort in my own company. In India it seems to be accustomed to first ask “Your name ?” and then “husband?” Or “Married?” Not sure if this is even worse than Londoner’s small talk which goes sth like: “ Whats your name? Nice to meet you! Nice weather today! Where do you work?”
In India the conversation continues them saying “Oh travel alone – strong woman”. Which is a compliment, not sure if meant as a compliment, but heyho. Reality is that there is no husband nor boyfriend even if I tell them that yes I am married and my husband is going to meet me later, it is just easier than to explain all the details of me being 29 and single and not willing to be with someone just say I am not single, there is just me.
Saying that I used to and still do hope to make memories with someone, but where I can see the shift happening and towards what I am consciously moving is I am no longer longing to accomplish life with, nor waiting for, someone to Wake My Dreams. I have some self work to do and it is not easy.
As I have learned a lot of women probably think the same, they anticipate to share their experiences and build on this platform of life with their perfect match. Well girl, I have news for you, there is no perfect match out there who is going to fix you, you gotta go in and fix it yourself. I have put myself into this travel with no job, no home, no visualised future for a reason – to grow. To learn to take a step at a time. I am not sure where I will sleep tonight but I know I am in good hands, in my own hands, so I will be fine.
Self care and being by myself is the best teacher. I believe it it so important to be able to enjoy serenity by myself and have alone time. We build a relationship with ourself during this time and learn to deal with this problematic “I”, entertain, be bored, take action and grow as a person. So, it is so important to learn to be by yourself. Start by going on small walks alone, maybe go for a meal and take a step at a time, soon you will notice you are booking a solo backpacking trip through India.
As much as it is important to build confidence and create a positive relationship with yourself, it is equally important to share this person you call I, with others. I have learned, that I am not the most confident person when it comes to new crowds of people. There is often a shield that covers my surface, showing independence and strength. That shield is my shadow, my self-defence and survival kit, that helps me to protect myself from what other people’s opinions: what if people don’t like me or what if they think I am not so pretty, and so on. I fear other people’s judgement on me and thats why I generally don’t put the real me out there in the first go. This has come across now a few times with people that I know since year or so, but I never opened up to speak with them, until I did, and then everything changed.
Everything changed, cos they liked me, the real me and others who didn’t we just parted, with no hard feelings. I fear judgement on me, and I know that now. I am working on it. Life surrounds you with people and situations to simulate growth, you just need to take part in it and remove the blockages you have held on to.
The essence of each and every one of us is somewhere there inside and not within other people, and it is our own responsibility to reflect this and learn who we are and how we can overcome our fears. As fear is the one thing that creates all of our problems. It burns our inner energy, the one source that is sacred and most important source of energy for us to maintain and care for. Notice your fears, notice your patterns and work with them. Remember that you are alone, but not lonely, you will always have you.
If you can’t even have a meal with yourself, how do you expect to life the rest of your life with yourself?